The 5 Samoans

Hi Everybody!

Everyone is starting fitness trends so I decided to make one up too!

I’ve seen dozens of various workout programs recently. Many of them try to sound mysterious by being named after some far off land.  Also, including a prime number is key. Just trust me. Anyway, for those following a trendy workout program please continue to eat your breakfast of fruit and drink your whey protein because that fruit plate, while pretty, isn’t cutting it for protein.  Seriously, just eat lots of beans and fish.  Unless you’re a professional bodybuilder you don’t need whey protein isolates.  They’re the same thing as when a casual lap swimmer shaves his whole body or someone cycling to work puts on a Lance Armstrong body suit.  Dude, chill, just eat right.  But…I digress.

The point is, up until recently (before the introduction of junk food from…uhh…places), the Samoan people were powerhouses of fitness.  Just naturally.  I assume. I truly don’t know.  I’m literally making this all up.  It’s based on the fact that both The Rock and his father are massive dudes.  That’s it.  I have no other evidence, nor do I need it.


The Elder Rock

The Younger Rock










So anyway, I have decided that if you want to look like the The Rock, you need to do these 5 exercises.

I call them The 5 Samoans!!
To be clear, like every other fitness workout in the past decade, this is all taken from basic knowledge of pretty much any workout.  And just like every other, if this is all you do and don’t switch stuff up you will not get any real long term results.  Also, it’s probably going to be hard and suck.  Especially at first. Hooray!!  Extra bonus, doing this stuff could probably hurt you.  Maybe an arm could fall off.  Dogs could lick you to death. Black holes could form in your dining room and destroy the universe.  This shit could really happen. I am not kidding.  You have been warned.  Do three sets of all these exercises because 3 is a prime number and Optimus Prime was pretty strong.   It’s solid logic, shut up.


Samoan The First:
Do push-ups really really slow, and keep your bicep/tricep pinned against your body as you go down and up. This makes your boobs twitch and hurt a little. That’s good.  If you are doing sets of more than 12, you are going too fast.  Shoot for failure at ten because that’s a nice number.  Much more than that and you are going to be working on stamina instead of becoming a big Samoan and rescuing franchise movies like GI JOE.


Samoan The Second:
Plank!  This shit is terrible and detailed in an earlier blog post .  Go back to your push up pose, but rest on your forearms.  Keep your body straight. Hold.
Just hold there for like a minute.
Eventually, work up to 2 minutes if you haven’t destroyed space-time.

Samoan The Third:
Wall sit!  Same basic thing as the Plank except instead of being timed just do this until you fail. Get into a sitting position with your back against a wall, except you have no chair.  Just hold there. Don’t poop. Don’t slide down.  Just hold there.  Much like the plank, it starts out stupid easy. Then your world melts and you wonder who lit your legs on fire and you want to die.
That means it’s working.

Samoan The Fourth:
Body Squats!!  Just squat down reeeeeeeaaaaaaaallllly slow until your butt almost hits the ground. It’s important to do this slowly.  You are forcing your muscles to work harder by doing it slowly.  I think. I don’t know. It hurts more when you go slow, I know that for sure.

Samoan The Fifth:
This is perhaps the most important one because I don’t see it on other workout regimens. Clearly, this is the Samoan secret!



Wikipedia told me that coconuts were the most eaten food on that island nation, so it instantly becomes the cornerstone of this workout!
Don’t work out with them, just eat them.  I guess you could work out with them before you eat them?  I’ll save that for The 5 Samoans Revised.  It’ll be out soon enough.
Anyway, coconuts are versatile!  You can eat them.  Make them into soap.  Use the shell to imitate horses.  It’s great!

That’s it folks.  Just follow that totally made up workout and something will happen!  It’ll probably change your life…I guess. Honestly, how the hell would I know?  I’m not in that great of shape myself, and even if I was it probably would be because of something more complicated than this….like genetics and a totally different lifestyle than someone that is out of shape.  Alternately, I could have a killer body but cholesterol so high it’s building up on my teeth.
Point is, quit looking for easy answers, unless these easy answers are the ones for you!  If they are, Hooray!!!!  I’m going to pour another scotch.


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2 Responses to The 5 Samoans

  1. Michelle Heidel says:

    OH I am hurting from trying to read this out loud to my family and NOT just sit here dissolved with laughter! Maybe you should write a book! 😉

  2. jthomasnagle says:

    YEAH !! Write a book…….OH WAIT…’ve done that several times. Maybe I’ll try the SAMOAN but only after I read the blog again. I enjoy reading your stuff much more than exercising.

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