After kicking smokes to the curb almost six months ago (5 months and 14 days….uhh…roughly), I’ve been trying to get into shape.  Actually, I think it has more to do with getting a bunch of new tattoos and wanting to do them justice by making my body less Andy Dwyer and more Starlord…but that’s a vanity issue that I’ll choose to ignore.

You’re doing it wrong, but I like your style.

Anyway, I prefer what are called body weight exercises.  I figure I have the mass, I may as well use it.  I had heard of something called The Plank from various Facebook posts as well as fitness sites. After a few weeks, I realized they didn’t mean ‘Planking’, but it was actually some kind of exercise thingy.

Not planking!

Basically, you get into push up position, but rest on your forearms instead of your palms.  Line up your arms straight with your shoulders, and then just hold it.  That’s it.  It’s meant to strengthen your core and be good for your abs.

Now, I like abs.  I used to have some and I wouldn’t mind having them again. I can’t really do sit ups because if I find a couch that my feet fit under, the whole damn thing will lift up every time to try to do a sit up.  It’s awkward.

So, I looked into this plank exercise. Seems like most people were doing a minute or two of planking at a time, seemed a little heavy in the ‘speedwalking’crowd so I opted for the high end because I’m a beefcake!  Sure, I’ll chill there for two minutes.  What the hell?  I downloaded a free stopwatch app and set it for 120 seconds.

Below is my account of the time in 5 second increments (mostly).

0-5: This is supposed to be hard?

5-10: Seriously, is this yoga? I’m not looking for tone here.

10-15: “Hey, Bender, I’m doing yoga like you!” (he does multiple sun salutations every morning with much zeal).

15-20: My elbows hurt.  Should I be doing this on carpet?

20-25: We don’t have any carpet…hmmm…these are stupid anyway.  Maybe I’ll just do weighted crunches or something. I’ll finish the two minutes though, just to laugh at people that say how hard it is.

25-30: Hey…..my abs are starting to tingle.

30-35: My shoulders are starting to ache a little, too.

35-40: There might be something to this. I wish I had set the time for 3 minutes or put some weight on my back or something.  Maximize this yoga thing!

40-45: Man, this is really starting to burn.  “Get away Bender, this shit just got real”.

45-50: Damn, maybe I shouldn’t have done push ups before this. “Seriously, Bender, get out of my face”.

50-55: I bet I have a full six pack after this!  Ooooh…feel the burn!  I wonder if I can set a time limit record?  Tell all those speedwalkers I did ten minutes!

55-60:  Hmm….time seems to be slowing down on that stopwatch

60-65: Shit, this really hurts.  I’m only halfway through?  Wait, how did three drops of sweat just fall off my head in under a second?  That’s not possible.

65-70: Okay, I think the stopwatch app is broken.  It definitely slowed down.

70-75:  Sweet Jesus, my abs hurt!  Can I just rest my head on the ground for a second?  No..no.  I can do this.  Little scrawny people do this. C’mon!

75-80: HOW DO PEOPLE DO THIS FOR TWO MINUTES?!?!  THEY ARE LIARS!!  ABSOLUTE LIARS!!

80-85: “Bender, save yourself!  I’m caught in some kind of time dilation!  Seconds are taking minutes to go by!  A mini black hole must have formed in the dining room.  Quit licking my face!”  Wait…he’s moving at normal speed?  Oh no, he’s stuck in the dilation too!! I wonder how long it’s really been?  Hours?  Days?  What if it’s been days?!  I don’t even think I can move.  I can’t feel my shoulders!  I’M GOING TO DIE LIKE THIS!

85-90: Only one thing can save me.  “Fry!!!!”

90-92:  Fry jumps off the couch and walks straight into me. Knocking his chest into my shoulder and causing me to collapse.  While I lie there, writhing in stomach cramping agony, both dogs begin licking my face.  The fire in my shoulders is too great to push them away.

92-95: Mindy’s going to get home and find me dead on the living room floor, licked to death.  I bet my abs look great though!

95-110:  I wait for death to take me.  Fry farts twice.  Time begins to slow again.  I welcome death.

110-120:  Apparently I have thwarted whatever space-time shenanigans were taking place. I breathe a sigh of relief while gently rubbing my aching abs.  That was close.

To sum up:

Do not try The Plank.  It causes mini black holes to form and time to slow.  The Plank will destroy our world.  It is evil.